Yo, Santa! How’s it going in the great white north? Seeing as it tis’ the season, here is my letter about what I want for Christmas.
Santa, I know you do that whole good versus bad thing. I promise I’ve been a good internet marketer this year. I haven’t spammed the search engines with mirror sites, link farm purchases or little tricks to tweak your friends at Google. Now, while I’ve been good, I would like a few bad things for Christmas. No ponies here, I want the good stuff.
Dear Santa, I want:
1. A lump of coal to be given to the bad person or persons at Google who’ve been deleting my pages from their search engine results.
2. A lump of coal to the same people at Google who came up with the Penguin nonsense. Feel free to let the reindeer relieve themselves while on the roofs of these peoples’ homes.
3. To meet a person from Google who handles the ranking updates in a bar late at night after they’ve been drinking for four or five hours. I only need 15 minutes. Pleeeeasssee! I’ve been so good.
4. Five minutes in the Ultimate Fighting Octagon with Bill Gates.
5. A few hours with your list of bad people who will get coal for the holidays. Don’t worry, I can figure out which ones are fraudulently clicking my PPC ads.
6. Please send the Santa virus to the people who keep sending me the phishing Pay Pal emails.
7. Same thing for the bad boys and girls sending me pharmaceutical spam.
8. The opportunity to beat each dmoz volunteer editor over the head with my keyboard just once. Okay, maybe twice.
Now I realize you are a master of being subtle. When I visited you at the mall, you acted like I was a lunatic and you didn’t know what I was talking about. I really didn’t appreciate you calling security and the FBI, but I guess everybody has a bad day. I’m sure I can count on you to come through this year.
Oh, I forgot something. Angelina Jolie. Definitely Angelina Jolie. Leave her short dork boyfriend at home.
Now that isn’t too much to ask is it? Is it?